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The Imperfect Life and Times of Bonan the Carbarian
Bonan The Carbarian, a legendary Dwarf knight, had prepared a token of love for his girlfriend Sarah Tonin. It was a magical lance that gave the wielder super strength, but before Bonan could give it to her, the lance was stolen. He went to the manor of his father, Conan Carbarian, in his new kingdom. He was stopped by a new herald who thought he was an enemy, but Bonan showed him the way to his secret unicorn stable, and the herald let him in. Bonan climbed a tower on his dad’s manor and spoke with his dad. His dad told him to go back on a raft and search the thief’s pavilion, and the thief will be punished. Bonan went back to the pavilion but found nothing. Passerby strangers told him a legend of an extremely strong thief across the ocean, but the only way to get there was with the help of an extremely skilled captain, who had been imprisoned. Bonan talked to his stepmom, Wonan The Nobarian, about finding the captain, but she warned him against it. In the end, against his stepmom’s better judgement, she gave him a broom to fly to the prison where the captain was held. He parked the broom outside the dungeon, fought off the guards without a weapon, and headed downstairs to find the legendary captain. He was expecting the captain to look like a dying old wizard, but she turned out to be a frog. Also, it was a trap. Sleep gas filled the dungeon, sending both Bonan and The Frog into a shared dream where they had fancy clothes and found treasure. Wonan decided that her stepson probably needed to be saved about now, so she got on her horse monster and rode through her husband’s war to find Bonan. She rescued him and the Frog and brought them back to Conan Manor, where her holiness stopped the war. The Frog and Bonan were really getting to know each other, even beginning to fall in love. This scared Bonan because he was afraid he would forget about Sarah, the reason he needed a captain to begin with. Suddenly, shapeshifting Coal People rat pirates appeared and shot the Frog with an arrow that infected her with some disease. Bonan went back to his hometown to search for a cure for the Frog. He looked in his mom’s old cottage for a magic witch potion to cure the disease, but found nothing, as all her old witch stuff had been removed since she was banished from the town. Saddened, he wandered around the town, ending up in the castle ballroom. There, he saw Sarah, who had apparently stolen the lance herself. Bonan realized that the lance was not only magical, it was cursed. It gave its wielder the power of a giant, but forced them to use the power constantly or else they would be transformed into a giant. As a trained knight, Bonan was able to fight off his girlfriend, and tried to cure the curse the only way he knew how: throwing her into the ocean. When the cursed lance touched water, it caused a storm. Meanwhile, Wonan had found a cure for the Frog’s disease, but it would have a side effect of turning her into a beautiful Human. Wonan asked the Frog if she was willing to give up her true form to be cured. In the end, she did, because she figured being a Human would help her chances with Bonan. Then Wonan and the Frog (now Human) got into Wonan’s invisible jet and headed for the town. Wonan saw the storm, but didn’t realize it was caused by a cursed lance. She thought it must have been started by her half-brother, the God of the Sea. This same misconception was made by Slam Duncan, the high ninja priest of the church of the God of the Sea. He ran outside and yelled “I didn’t SEA you there!” and slam dunked his magic priest relic into the ocean. This caught the attention of the Sea God, who broke the cursed lance in half, releasing a giant amalgam Orc spirit who started attacking everything. Sarah was left to drift in the ocean. Slam thought he had done the right thing, but got the wrong result. He called up the rest of the sea cultists to request help from the Sea God. With so many of his followers demanding one thing, the Sea God decided “yeah, alright, I can do that,” and he tamed the spirit. The spirit then picked up Bonan, Sarah, Wonan, and the Frog, and carried them all back to Conan Manor. The Orc Spirit Beast had had the door to its heart opened, and became a good person. With the evil finally gone from the land, Bonan could finally get married. BUT TO WHO?